Survivors of child abuse take different approaches to their handling of, or lack of, their personal experiences. Some survivors want to shut out their bad memories and never talk about those experiences again. Some talk a little and still struggle with their current afflictions, which they likely have as a result of the child abuse they endured on a regular basis. Some feel an overwhelming need to somehow make sense of the abuse and make it “mean” something.

Why do we like to win, whether it is a tennis match or an argument with our spouse? Natural selection favored those who survived and reproduced. One of the ways that humans survived, and thus were able to reproduce, was to prevail.

As we head into the final stretch of the election season, most people are arguing over Democratic versus Republican policies and statements. But we believe we need to spend just as much time watching out for traits of high-conflict personalities. Politicians with these traits are highly ineffective, often increase conflict in our nation, “split” the country emotionally in half and may ultimately get kicked out of office.

With last week’s shooting deaths of two African-Americans by police and five police officers by an African-American man, there is much talk about our divided nation. What (or who) is dividing America? Are we more divided than ever before? Or does it just seem that way? And what is to be done? There is no one cause and no one easy answer. But surprisingly all of the following are part of the problem. And we all must be part of the solution.

In prior articles, we wrote about the natural desire to prevail against perceived rivals and the potential use of game theory to understand obstacles in the current legal system as it takes families through parental separations and divorce. We next began to focus on how the legal system begins to trick people into self-defeating patterns of decision making.

“The other side wants . . .!”  In prior articles we focused on the fact that while people are rational, they can be tricked and on two of the tricks in the traditional family law legal system: legal outcomes are goals; and divorce is a zero sum game.

In Part 1 of this series, we noted that this is a trick question because it distracts people from their life goals and focuses them on legal outcomes, as though they are goals. It is also a trick question because it re-frames a non-zero sum game into a zero sum game.

If YOU don’t advocate for your child, no one will. There, I’ve said it. — Did you hear the bubble bursting? That was your idealism being shattered, and not a bit too soon. Parenting in the naïve belief that the world will automatically and spontaneously serve your children’s needs.

True or false? People are rational and generally make good choices. Now, consider this. Can they be tricked? Yes! You might remember Monty Hall and “The Price is Right”. At end the of the show, the contestant who had won the most money was shown three doors, behind two of which were some cheap junk but behind one was a big prizemaybe a fancy car. 

Spend a little time with someone who has a high-conflict personality (HCP) and you will discover that their world is one of opposites. Their behaviors and interactions with people, especially those close to them in family and friendships or those who hold a position of authority in some way, have experienced this. 

More than nurturing, more than safety, more than education and socialization and even more than food, clothing, shelter and a new cell phone every couple of years, parenting is about letting go.